Plain old bullshit.

You know what’s annoying and overused? The expression, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Just stop it.

Along the same lines, fuck the expression, “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.” I will eat my cake and still save all the parts that have my name written on it if I damn well please.

But this is a post about lemons. Let’s take a moment to dive into what’s really being said here.

For one, it implies that lemons suck. First of all, lemons are fucking awesome. I love lemons. Lemons in my water, lemons in my tea, lemons on my chicken. What’s so bad about lemons? If you need a food that accurately embodies all the shit that life throws your way, you’ll have to try harder. What about mushrooms, artichokes, or olives? Or something that we can all agree on: liver? *Shudder.*

The reality is lemons are easy to dress up. If my life’s problems were as easy to make awesome as lemons are, we wouldn’t need a bullshit expression to feel better about them.

The phrase also suggests that there’s an upside to every situation. Now, I have heard many inspirational stories of people using their personal trauma to testify and uplift others in similar situations, but let’s be honest for a moment. Ideally, the shitty shit never would’ve happened. If a shark eats my arm and I survive, I’m still gonna think, “Damn, it would’ve been nice if I got to live with both of my arms.”

Okay, let’s dive even deeper. What does it take to make lemonade? First, you have to juice your lemons which requires a lot of manual labor or an electric juicer. That’s already a red flag. If you have an electric juicer, life’s already easier for you, you lucky motherfucker, you. Then, you have to get a lot of sugar. Where is the sugar coming from? What if I have diabetes?

You know what’s better than making lemons into lemonade? Wine. Wine is better. If you’ve got lemons, just throw them away.