Food is killing’ me!

You could say that eating right is a pretty big deal to me. “Right,” to me, is anything that doesn’t make me clutch my stomach and wonder how long I have until death finds me. Since I’m allergic to nearly everything, this means that my ideal lifestyle is vegan – no eggs, no dairy, no beef, and definitely no McD (apart from fries, because fries are unstoppable).

I finally decided to give a plant-based diet a serious try when two things happened. First, a lovely store called Fresh Thyme moved down the street and introduced me to a world of substitutions. Did you know you can find substitutes for butter, eggs, cheese, pizza, ground meat, fish, ice cream, yogurt, and almost anything else you can think of?! It’s lit! I made mac and cheese for Thanksgiving and ate it completely guilt-free. Blessings on blessings on blessings.

The second thing that happened was an incident at a networking event. Imagine my excitement, my eagerness, upon spying delicious brownies at the table right next to my table. Now imagine my horror – oh, the horror – at my stomach cramping up thirty minutes later. Imagine me, wincing, looking like I’m hating every moment of my time there. I mean, I did, but I can usually pretend for a while.

So, I started eating differently. Less meat, more smoothies and veggies. Less butter, more olive oil. And lots of rice. Rice for life. Rice for a butter-free life. Rice for all those feelings hurt by all the steaks and sweets that have forsaken me.

What could go wrong?

Well, I’ll tell you what can go wrong. You can live your life thinking you’re living your best life and then happen upon a book called The How Not to Die Cookbook. You can buy this book and start perusing the recipes. You can look up ‘white rice’ in the index and then scratch your head because it’s only mentioned in the introduction and exactly 0 recipes. And then you can read that white rice is the devil.

Okay, so it didn’t say it’s the devil. It just said white rice is polished. Yep, polished free of all the great nutrients of the world. I immediately began to mourn my chipotle lime rice. But what of brown rice? Well, for one thing, it’s disgusting. And for another, it apparently has a higher arsenic content than it’s polished counterpart. What’s a girl with a rice cooker to do?

I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. Try harder. Also, continue not being perfect. I couldn’t eat rice and broccoli forever. I need to branch out in the world of plant-based nutrition. Find some more safe foods in the world. And then eat rice and chicken when the spirit moves me.

A girl’s gotta live, ya know?